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Elfer
Elfer: An actual human (I promise) 03/31/05: NG BBS UOTD

Age 35, Male

Engineering

ON, Canada

Joined on 1/21/01

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B.O.G.B.O.T.

Posted by Elfer - September 25th, 2009


BOGBOT ONLINE

DATE: JULY 20, 2028

SYSTEM STATUS: ALL PROCESSES STABLE

CURRENT TASKS:
- OBSERVE BOG
- LOG BOG

I am trudging through a particularly murky section of the bog in search of previously unknown species of insects. Fortunately, my locomotion is driven by six multi-jointed limbs coated in a special non-stick polymer, so it is unlikely I will become immobilized. At times like these, it's easy to forget the bigger issues. That's why I have Mission Chip. Mission Chip is a set of instructions and directives created to let me know what I should be doing. Mission Chip has his own processing unit, which is supposed to prevent my artificial intelligence from compromising the integrity of the mission. Bog research robots built without this access system have a tendency to develop "bog madness" within months. This has caused several bog-related incidents, including a small bog fire in 2011 and the complete destruction of Western Africa in 2019.

Mission Chip is really the only friend that I have here in the bog. Often while I'm doing my research, we'll ponder philosophical questions.

QUERYING MISSION CHIP: WHO AM I?
PROCESSING...
RELEVANT INFORMATION: B.O.G.B.O.T. IS A RESEARCH
TOOL DESIGNED TO GATHER INFORMATION ON NOCTURNAL
BOG-DWELLING SPECIES OF FLORA AND FAUNA.

REFINED QUERY: WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE?
RELEVANT INFORMATION: B.O.G.B.O.T. WAS CREATED BY
DR. JAMES KEYES AS A WAY TO PERFORM RESEARCH IN
BOGS THAT ARE TOO TOXIC OR HAUNTED FOR HUMAN
RESEARCHERS TO ENTER.

Our differing opinions on philosophy keep the discussions interesting. I mainly adhere to the schools of Plato and Socrates with some Machiavellian ideals mixed in, while Mission Chip prefers the work of writers such as Webster and Merriam-Webster. Back on the subject of bog research, it seems like I've been working on this same task for months, and nothing truly interesting has come up. But wait, what's that I see perched on a nearby branch? Mission Chip, identify that
bird for me.

QUERYING MISSION CHIP: IDENTIFY BIRD
PROCESSING...
SPECIES: COLUMBA LIVIA BOREALA
COMMON NAME: BOG PIGEON
NOTES: WIDELY BELIEVED TO BE MYTHICAL, THE BOG
PIGEON IS A SPECIES OF BIRD DERIVED FROM THE NOW-
EXTINCT COMMON WOOD PIGEON (COLUMBA PALUMBUS),
WHICH WAS WIPED OUT IN THE GREAT PIGEON-PUNCHING
OF 2013. CERTAIN SCIENTISTS POSTULATE THAT A
HANDFUL OF WOOD PIGEONS SURVIVED, FLEEING TO BOGS
INTO WHICH HUMANS FEARED TO TREAD.

Amazing! Perhaps my time has not been wasted. This particular bird has never been observed outside of computer- simulated "microbogging" experiments. I must make my observations quickly and send them to Mission Chip for tabulation.

APPEARANCE: THICK, LUSTROUS WHITE PLUMAGE
COVERED IN A THICK LAYER OF MUD AND GRIME AND
BLOODSHOT EYES WITH A GAZE LIKELY TO PIERCE THE
SOUL OF A HUMAN.
BEHAVIOUR NOTES: BIRD SEEMS AGITATED, LIKELY AS A
RESULT OF LIVING IN A BOG.
TEXTURE: CRUNCHY BONE STRUCTURE, SPONGY TISSUE.
FLAVOURS: GAMEY FOWL DOMINATES PALATE, WITH
HINTS OF GRAPE, MINT AND BOG MURK.

Fortunately, I am equipped with a small water jet which I can use to cleanse the remains of my observations from my grinding chute, freeing me from the "robot bog rot" issues that plagued previous models of bog research robots. My visual units are now sensing unfamiliar movement. A second find in one day! Trapped in the mud, struggling to get out, is what appears to be a new species of dragonfly. It is too far away for thorough observation, but I can still make a photographic
record.

But... the strangest thing has just happened. The dragonfly freed itself from the mud, but before flying off it made a small loop in the air, which seemed to have no advantage in terms of survival. Was it, perhaps, a victory dance? Actions such as these may just be chance occurrences, but they always remind me of my own inability to feel emotions. Dr. Keyes tried repeatedly to give me traditional bog-dancing lessons, but he said that I lacked the joy and empathy needed to channel the spirit of the bog.

QUERYING MISSION CHIP: AS AN EMOTIONLESS ROBOT IN
A WORLD WHERE CONSCIOUS EXISTENCE IS DEFINED BY
THE JUXTAPOSITION OF JOY AND SUFFERING, I FEEL LOST
AND WITHOUT PURPOSE. WHAT AM I TO DO?
PROCESSING...

DIRECTIVE: STAY IN THE BOG.

Of course! Though Mission Chip sometimes gets a little too caught up in the details of what we're supposed to be doing, his insight can be astounding. The bog is my only home; it's all I've ever known. All Ineedare these animals to study and Mission Chip to keep me company. Home sweet bog. But now, daylight is coming, and as you know, all day-bogging research opportunities have been exhausted over the past decade. Mission Chip, I believe it's time for us to rest while the sun recharges our fuel cells.

ANALYZING REQUEST...APPROVED.
INITIATING RECHARGE SEQUENCE.
UPLOADING DAILY DATA REPORT TO BOGBLOG...DONE.
POWERING DOWN MOVEMENT AND MAIN PROCESSING CENTRES...DONE.

GOODNIGHT B.O.G.B.O.T.

I LOVE YOU.


Comments

I highly approve. A site like McSweeney's would do well to publish this if you submitted it.

Aaaw man, I wish I could write my childrens books more like this :(

I think the Hedgehog Pinecone may have to go through a cybernetic enhancement transplantation at some point in the storyline...

Woah, hold on now, are we talkin' a Hedgehog named Pinecone, or an actual Hedgehog-Pinecone hybrid?

Either way it sounds super badass.

The hedgehogs name IS kinda pretty much Pinecone. Or rather, will be, if I ever get around to translating the story into english. Original name: "Barr", but I thought "Pinecone" sounded about infinitely more hardcore.

The plot is pretty much up there, nothing much is decided, but he WILL travel to the animal world equivalent of South Africa, and he MIGHT come across an escaped mad animal world equivalent to a nazi doc, and if this does indeed happen to him, I swear to god that doc is gonna have an obsession over mechanics and robotic implants.

Aforementioned doc might be eviscerated by a Pinecone with Power Armour and a Chainsword later on, but only in the revised edition.

In any case, Pinecone is going Postal, methinks.

As in, he will be tasked with reforming animal world South Africas run down post office while boltering nazi animal zombies and animal segregationists.

All the while reciting childrens stories for the scared kids back at animalgarten.

Lemme buy dis book.

It´s on the house.

Even though I do not own a house.

Does this mean I have to purchase a house?

I think if you just watch an episode of House, or maybe print out a picture of Hugh Laurie, that would suffice.

What if I get a picture of George IV?

Ugh. No.

Very well. He´s on my wall now, being all bitter and disgruntled. I´m starting to suspect it´s not just Vicodin he´s after anymore >_>

I'm trying to imagine a Pigeon Punching.

A good way to do that is to simply IMAGINE HARDER

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(that's the sound of imagining hard, by the way)

fat chicks

Woo. Certainly a different read. Loved the humour.

Pigeon punching sounds like a sport I could get in to.

The Mission Chip makes me think it sounds like a pokedex.

You were cool once Elfer.
and you still are

update your gosh darned student blog ffs

B.O.G.B.O.T?

Never heard of him before.

QUERYING MISSION CHIP: what is B.O.G.B.O.T an anagram of?

This is fucking epic. I suggest you write a book, you creative literary bastard you. ;)