Rewatching all of Inuyasha recently. This is my favourite bit from the whole series:
Elfer: An actual human (I promise) 03/31/05: NG BBS UOTD
Joined on 1/21/01
Posted by Elfer - September 25th, 2009
DATE: JULY 20, 2028
SYSTEM STATUS: ALL PROCESSES STABLE
- OBSERVE BOG
- LOG BOG
I am trudging through a particularly murky section of the bog in search of previously unknown species of insects. Fortunately, my locomotion is driven by six multi-jointed limbs coated in a special non-stick polymer, so it is unlikely I will become immobilized. At times like these, it's easy to forget the bigger issues. That's why I have Mission Chip. Mission Chip is a set of instructions and directives created to let me know what I should be doing. Mission Chip has his own processing unit, which is supposed to prevent my artificial intelligence from compromising the integrity of the mission. Bog research robots built without this access system have a tendency to develop "bog madness" within months. This has caused several bog-related incidents, including a small bog fire in 2011 and the complete destruction of Western Africa in 2019.
Mission Chip is really the only friend that I have here in the bog. Often while I'm doing my research, we'll ponder philosophical questions.
QUERYING MISSION CHIP: WHO AM I?
RELEVANT INFORMATION: B.O.G.B.O.T. IS A RESEARCH
TOOL DESIGNED TO GATHER INFORMATION ON NOCTURNAL
BOG-DWELLING SPECIES OF FLORA AND FAUNA.
REFINED QUERY: WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE?
RELEVANT INFORMATION: B.O.G.B.O.T. WAS CREATED BY
DR. JAMES KEYES AS A WAY TO PERFORM RESEARCH IN
BOGS THAT ARE TOO TOXIC OR HAUNTED FOR HUMAN
RESEARCHERS TO ENTER.
Our differing opinions on philosophy keep the discussions interesting. I mainly adhere to the schools of Plato and Socrates with some Machiavellian ideals mixed in, while Mission Chip prefers the work of writers such as Webster and Merriam-Webster. Back on the subject of bog research, it seems like I've been working on this same task for months, and nothing truly interesting has come up. But wait, what's that I see perched on a nearby branch? Mission Chip, identify that
bird for me.
QUERYING MISSION CHIP: IDENTIFY BIRD
SPECIES: COLUMBA LIVIA BOREALA
COMMON NAME: BOG PIGEON
NOTES: WIDELY BELIEVED TO BE MYTHICAL, THE BOG
PIGEON IS A SPECIES OF BIRD DERIVED FROM THE NOW-
EXTINCT COMMON WOOD PIGEON (COLUMBA PALUMBUS),
WHICH WAS WIPED OUT IN THE GREAT PIGEON-PUNCHING
OF 2013. CERTAIN SCIENTISTS POSTULATE THAT A
HANDFUL OF WOOD PIGEONS SURVIVED, FLEEING TO BOGS
INTO WHICH HUMANS FEARED TO TREAD.
Amazing! Perhaps my time has not been wasted. This particular bird has never been observed outside of computer- simulated "microbogging" experiments. I must make my observations quickly and send them to Mission Chip for tabulation.
APPEARANCE: THICK, LUSTROUS WHITE PLUMAGE
COVERED IN A THICK LAYER OF MUD AND GRIME AND
BLOODSHOT EYES WITH A GAZE LIKELY TO PIERCE THE
SOUL OF A HUMAN.
BEHAVIOUR NOTES: BIRD SEEMS AGITATED, LIKELY AS A
RESULT OF LIVING IN A BOG.
TEXTURE: CRUNCHY BONE STRUCTURE, SPONGY TISSUE.
FLAVOURS: GAMEY FOWL DOMINATES PALATE, WITH
HINTS OF GRAPE, MINT AND BOG MURK.
Fortunately, I am equipped with a small water jet which I can use to cleanse the remains of my observations from my grinding chute, freeing me from the "robot bog rot" issues that plagued previous models of bog research robots. My visual units are now sensing unfamiliar movement. A second find in one day! Trapped in the mud, struggling to get out, is what appears to be a new species of dragonfly. It is too far away for thorough observation, but I can still make a photographic
But... the strangest thing has just happened. The dragonfly freed itself from the mud, but before flying off it made a small loop in the air, which seemed to have no advantage in terms of survival. Was it, perhaps, a victory dance? Actions such as these may just be chance occurrences, but they always remind me of my own inability to feel emotions. Dr. Keyes tried repeatedly to give me traditional bog-dancing lessons, but he said that I lacked the joy and empathy needed to channel the spirit of the bog.
QUERYING MISSION CHIP: AS AN EMOTIONLESS ROBOT IN
A WORLD WHERE CONSCIOUS EXISTENCE IS DEFINED BY
THE JUXTAPOSITION OF JOY AND SUFFERING, I FEEL LOST
AND WITHOUT PURPOSE. WHAT AM I TO DO?
DIRECTIVE: STAY IN THE BOG.
Of course! Though Mission Chip sometimes gets a little too caught up in the details of what we're supposed to be doing, his insight can be astounding. The bog is my only home; it's all I've ever known. All Ineedare these animals to study and Mission Chip to keep me company. Home sweet bog. But now, daylight is coming, and as you know, all day-bogging research opportunities have been exhausted over the past decade. Mission Chip, I believe it's time for us to rest while the sun recharges our fuel cells.
INITIATING RECHARGE SEQUENCE.
UPLOADING DAILY DATA REPORT TO BOGBLOG...DONE.
POWERING DOWN MOVEMENT AND MAIN PROCESSING CENTRES...DONE.
I LOVE YOU.
Posted by Elfer - July 25th, 2008
BASICALLY HERE IS THE DEAL: Since a lot of people on the politics forum are so friggin' sures for real that their candidate will win in November, everyone's making promises like "If McCain wins, I'll eat both my own feet and run to Canada." So, every time I see one of those from now until November, I'm going to record it here and then see if anyone actually does live up to their claims.
At 7/25/08 07:55 AM, wrote:
hell, if obama wins, i'll change my aura from neutral to evil and become an athiest just so i can show my face on ng. (you know... hopping on the bandwagon?)
If Obama wins i will rape myself then douse myself in gasoline and light a match while attempting to cross the border
If McCain wins I wont live up to my promises that I said I'll do if McCain wins. There put that.
NOTE: You better hope McCain loses, otherwise you will have SERIOUS TROUBS WITH THIS PROMISE MY FRIEND.
If McCain wins I'll accept Jesus as my lord and saviour, and I'll also acknowledge that evolution is a lie.
If McCain wins I'll move to Iceland. Canada is such a cliche.
If McCain wins, I'll bow down before shaggy.
Posted by Elfer - March 2nd, 2008
Here's what I do with my life when I'm not doing science, internet, or girlfriend-related things. I'm a staff writer for my university's humour paper. Here's the first draft of something I wrote this week. Not all of it is my best stuff, but I thought I should pad it before sending it in (I'm writing from home this week), since it's a big issue.
Technically I don't own the rights to this now, but hey, it's not like I get paid anything.
The North American Sugar Board Presents: Interesting Sugar Facts!
Greetings, loyal customers!
We, your benefactors at the North American Sugar Board, are usually overjoyed to bring you new messages and information. However, the message today must take a serious tone, due to the nature of the circumstances. Lately, our product has been relentlessly maligned and vilified in the so-called "media." Sugar has been labeled as the culprit of numerous societal ills, from obesity to certain forms of sugar-related tumors. However, these allegations could not be further from the truth.
We here at the North American Sugar Board feel that sugar, as the "Gold Standard" of natural sweeteners made from sugar cane, must be well-understood by you, the consumers. As such, we proudly present this collection of little-known facts about your friend, sugar!
- Sugar is one of three kinds of carbohydrate: starch, fiber and sugar. Which category does it belong to? We'll let you be the judge.
- Most people think that sugar is loaded with empty calories. Not true! A single teaspoon of sugar has only 15 calories. Considering that the average human requires over 2000 calories per day to maintain a healthy diet, this rounds down to a mere zero calories per teaspoon!
- Did you know that you can feed sugar to dogs? It's true!
- Sugar has important pharmaceutical value. Folk wisdom tells us that, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." While this is true, at the time the expression was first used, sugar was quite expensive, and only available for the very wealthy. As a result, lower classes often used a spoonful of salt as an inexpensive placebo alternative, but it was found that this did not produce the same effects as sugar.
- When the sun explodes (and trust us, it's going to), it will compress itself and become so dense that a piece of it the size of a sugar cube will weigh the equivalent of 1 ton. This is equivalent to a sugar cube on Earth exploding, and compressing itself into a space so small that it would have density equal to that of really, really dense sugar.
- The reason we crave sugar is because we need it to survive. This is why over millions of years, humans with a propensity for eating more cookies, chocolates and candy survived, while those with less sumptuous diets died out. Simple evolutionary biology - sugar must be healthy!
- Scientists use sugar to grow penicillin, a beneficial strain of bacteria used to fight many types of infections. Why have someone grow it in a dish, then put the end product into your body? Cut out the middleman - eat more sugar!
- Sugar is used in many industrial processes, including the tanning of leather. Are you afraid to wear a leather jacket? Of course not. And if it's safe to put on your body, it must be safe to put in your body. That's how that works.
- Putting three or four sugar cubes into a suitcase before storing it will help prevent damp odors. Likewise, three or four sugar cubes in your body before aging will help to prevent the development of "old man stink."
- Vegetables are packed with lots of beneficial nutrients, making them an essential element of any healthy diet. However, vegetables have a revolting taste, which is too repulsive for most humans to force down their gullet without a spoonful of sweet, sweet sugar to ease the pain. In Africa, a country with very little access to sugar, 3.5 million children die every year due to malnutrition. Coincidence?
- Sugar helps to heal injuries. For centuries, sugar has been used to successfully aid in the healing of wounds, both physical and emotional. Sugar acts as an "emotional desiccant," drying the wound and preventing the formation of the deadly "Bacteria of Despair."
- Certain nosy "investigative reporters" would have you believe that large sugar companies are using sugar as an advanced form of mind control, allowing them to exert a malevolent dominance over the general populace. Not true.
Now that you've got a brain-full of knowledge, go out and get yourself another brain-full... of sugar!
Rembrandt Q. Uppercrust
NASB Chair and Spokesperson
 Which is to say, a statement must be as far from the truth as itself. Claiming otherwise is as logically absurd as two people being taller than one another.
 Sugar readily bioaccumulates in the human brain.